For those of you who haven't been following along, about a month ago, A. sent me a text message saying that he couldn't date me anymore because he decided to reconcile with his ex-girlfriend. I was completely and utterly shocked - and so was everyone else who knew us as a couple. A. treated me very very well - I don't think I've been treated that well in a very long time. He also didn't seem like the type who would do something like get back together with an ex-girlfriend behind my back.
Turns out, he isn't.
Rather than go into all the gritty details, I'll just give you the short story: A. felt he wasn't good enough for me, nor could he give me what I want or need and so he decided to break up with me. He lied about the ex-girlfriend and sent it in a text message because he wasn't "strong enough to do it in person." Wow. I'm not sure which one was worse - the lie or the "truth." Either way, I got dumped in a pretty crappy way.
I suppose this would be very romantic if this was a movie and we, the audience, would root for A. and me to find our way back to each other. He would tell me that he isn't good enough and I would give a brilliant speech outlining why he is, then we would kiss in the rain while someone starts the slow clap and suddenly the entire cast breaks into a spontaneous dance routine. I suppose that would make a very romantic movie. This is real life, however, and there is no tidy ending to this story. In fact, the story ended the very second A. decided he knew what was best for me without asking me. The story ended when he sent that text and lied. There is nothing tidy or romantic about his choice.
Key words: his choice. A. decided all on his own and didn't have the decency to talk to me about it. I think that is what makes me so angry about all of this. Yes, dear reader, I am angry. Pissed off. Mad as hell. I am angry that I was dumped and I am angry that a decision about what is best for me was made for me and I am angry that I trusted someone only to have it thrown back at me. I am angry that I have to start again, only this time with less trust and more fear.
Anger isn't necessarily a bad thing. Anger motivates me, it makes me move, it makes me be honest and re-assess my life. Anger is what gets me out of bed and keeps me going. The trick is to keep from getting stuck in anger. I don't want to feel this way forever; I don't want to build walls out of my anger and shut people out. I need the anger right now, but not permanently.
|San Francisco, 2011|
I've written new poetry from my anger; listened to Girl In A Coma (particularly Si Una Vez, a Selena cover about being wronged by the one she loved) on repeat and sang at the tops of my lungs. I feel fragmented and hopeful for the future all at once. I feel confused and at times, I feel sad and hurt because really, that's what anger is protecting me from - despair. Please don't misunderstand me - when I need to cry, I cry. When I need to feel sad, I feel sad. Anger doesn't allow me to get stuck or make bad choices out of despair; anger is like a big sister that is protecting me from bullies.
A. made up his mind that we couldn't be together and that's fine. He could have told me the truth and more importantly, said it to my face. He may not have been strong enough to do it, but I am strong enough to take it. For now, I'm angry but more importantly, I'm strong and that is my truth.
Next time: Great Expectations
Dear Reader -
I entered a writing contest and it is now open to public voting. You can click here and read more about the contest, then you can vote by clicking on the blue "vote now" button! Look for the story entitled "I Am Albuquerque" by Andrea Serrano and vote! You can vote daily until September 23. Thanks!