I don't know what to write about.
I have all these ideas and emotions swirling around in my head but it's hard to formulate an actual blog post this week. Between the break-up and then my trip to the Bay area, there are a lot of feelings and emotions running rampant but the one that keeps surfacing to the top is this:
I'm going to be okay.
I know that sounds trite, but for the first time after a break up, I believe it. Break-ups suck. There is no other way to say it. They feel bad, and they bring up all kinds of feelings of not being enough or wondering if I'll ever find someone. I had to go through the process of telling everyone we broke up (and dealing with the shock each time). I weave out of loneliness, anger, sadness, and relief. I have moments of clarity in which I realize that we probably weren't as good of a fit as I wanted us to be. Through this roller coaster, however, I keep one steady thought and that is that regardless of how much it sucks to go through a break-up, I am going to get over it - and over A. In fact, I'm not sure I miss him so much as I just miss being somebody's somebody.
While it's only been three weeks since we broke up, I feel like a lifetime has passed. He is no longer a part of my life and I don't find myself missing his phone calls, his voice or his touch. I miss feeling secure - of knowing my phone was going to ring after work and knowing that someone felt for me what I felt for him. When we first broke up, I dreaded the feeling of starting the dating game again - putting myself back out there and going through the series of first dates again. Now I look forward to whatever possibilities the universe has for me - and I know they are there, I just have to be open, which means I will NOT be going back on strike. Nine months was long enough.
I am, however, keeping my guard up, and with good reason. A friend of mine tried to set me up with a "really nice guy" who would be my "perfect fit." Turns out that not only is he my fifth cousin, he also wanted to make a date to hook-up (yes, it's exactly what you think). When I declined, he offered to send me a photo of his penis to convince me that hooking up would be worth my while. Keep in mind this happened in the span of about an hour. I swear I am not making this up.
My trip to the Bay area was a blessing and couldn't have happened at a better time. I ate well, I had an amazing time with friends and took time to just be still and quiet. I wrote poetry, I laughed and sang and while I came home with my heart spinning, I still felt amazing.
I can't express how grateful I am for my family and friends who took up my cause, rallied around me, and gave me an incredible amount of love. Thank you, dear reader, for all your private messages sharing your heartbreak stories.
So it goes. I'm still single and yes, I am definitely okay.
Next time: Hello, Anger!