Monday, August 12, 2013


I'm single.


There is nothing to say about the latest break-up that I haven't said before.  There is no reason to tell the story or wax poetic about the relationship and our demise.  The relationship was becoming toxic and I walked away before I became consumed by the poison.  I feel like there isn't much more to say beyond that, or maybe there is but I am too exhausted to tell the story.

My heart is in tact and I am not lost in self-doubt or feelings of rejection.  I don't feel sick to my stomach nor have I felt the need to go straight to bed after work.  I cried quite a bit the first few days and haven't felt the urge since.  I've felt sadness and some anger, but mostly I am consumed with exhaustion.  I don't know if I am up for examining, mourning, healing and moving forward.  Again.

I realize that in the first few weeks of a break-up, there is usually a feeling of unwillingness to open ones' heart.  Again.  Read through the past 3 years of this blog and you'll find plenty of entries about break-ups, sadness, healing and starting all over.  Again.  This time, however, I feel different.  I don't have a feeling of hopelessness.  I don't feel like I can "never do this again."  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  I know I can I meet someone, date, perhaps even fall in love.  As I learned when I was with F., I have an incredible capacity to love someone whether or not they love me back.  Even better, I know I love myself - enough to walk away from a relationship that I may not have walked away from in the past.

Love isn't my issue.  I have realized that I don't know how to trust someone else, and worse, I don't know how to trust myself.  I don't trust that I can make good decisions.  I haven't allowed past hurts to heal completely and the wounds keep opening.  I have a lot of work to do in those areas.   Beyond the realization that I don't make good choices when it comes to partners (again, read the last THREE YEARS OF THIS BLOG and that is evident), I realize I have been reckless with my heart.  My very good friend L. said something very important to me - she can't control how others treat her, she can only take care of herself and take care of her heart.  She made it very clear that she can't be reckless with her heart.  I am just beginning to understand what that even means.

When I close my eyes, I see what kind of relationship I want.  I know what I want in a partner and what I would want our life to look like, but I've never put much thought into what kind of partner I'd like to be.  By no means have I thought of myself as perfect, but in the back of my mind I've always thought that as long as I have the right partner, everything else about the relationship would just fall into place.  I used to think as long as I had a boyfriend, I'd be fine.  Then I fine-tuned my belief that as long as I was someone good then I'd be in a good relationship.

I was still waiting to be saved.

I've written extensively about having boundaries, realizing my self-worth, and being open to love.  I've exhausted the themes of conquering fear and self-doubt.  I've written countless blogs about lessons I've learned and all of it is relevant and important to my journey toward being a healthy adult.  Learning to take care of my heart and focusing on the kind of partner I want to be are just a part of the journey - one I am happy to be on.

That said, I'm still exhausted and not in the mood to share my life with anyone any time soon.  I know I'll meet guys and date, but the bulk of my energy is elsewhere.  I just moved into a new place (un-related to the break up) and work is busy, fulfilling and rewarding.  Right now, my family is taking more of my time than they have in the past, and I am reconnecting with friends.  I'm working on exciting writing projects.  I don't feel the need to fill the void that a break-up usually leaves.  I'm not sure what is different this time, but I feel strong and secure and I feel like I'm in charge of my life.  I feel like I can learn how to trust myself and others.  I am solid in knowing I can take some time and rest before continuing on my journey (a few years ago I would have been deathly afraid that if I didn't get right back on that horse, I'd miss my chance).

So it goes.  I will take these lessons and move forward.  Again.

Next time: Other Things That Make Me Tired 

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