I was also feeling impatient and insecure. For the last month I had been dating someone and things didn't feel right. I liked him and we had lots of great connections, but he didn't feel like my person and I knew my trip to the Bay was going to give me the space to sort out my feelings. Before my plane landed in Oakland I knew that the relationship wasn't going to last. Throughout my trip, I felt myself feeling very sad sometimes, angry at others and very impatient most of the time.
(This isn't to say I had a miserable time while I was in Oakland, Alameda and San Francisco. On the contrary, I had an amazing time and ate the best food of my life - but I digress).
The day before the Sunrise Ceremony, I sent a text message to my friend R. and told her how I was feeling. After making me laugh by telling me to put someone in a headlock in order to feel better, she suggested I give my feelings to the water. Luckily, my friend N. lives five minutes away from the beach in Alameda, so off to the water we went.
I walked along the shore and waited until I was alone to ask the question of the Universe (or Creator, or God - they are all one in the same to me) :
WHAT THE EFF DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT THE EFF AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN?I was angry. I often feel this way in the midst of a break-up. I want to know why this person is sent into my life and what the hell am I supposed to do with the heartache? A few years ago I realized that I was supposed to learn something from each of these people, but even that reasoning (which used to bring comfort) has gotten old. I am so tired of breaking up with people and I wanted to know what the eff Creator wants from me.
Just stop I heard my own voice say. Cut your shit. My voice went on - quit getting with people who don't see you. Quit hooking up for the sake of hooking up. You don't need the attention. Stop wasting your time.
|WHAT THE EFF?! (Alameda Beach, CA)|
I'm not crazy and hearing voices, nor do I think the voice of God was coming through me. I think that with the Bay folded out before me and all the space in the world, I finally had the freedom to say what I needed to hear. The thought has been in me - and I've written it and the people close to me have said it over and over again, but in that moment, I finally heard it. Cut the shit, quit wasting time. Stop going out with someone just because he pays attention to me. The minute I sense something isn't right, walk away. Listen to my instincts and trust that I know what and who is best for me.
After my talk with myself, I stood in the same place for a very long time. I wanted the water to touch my feet but I was not going to go toward it. The waves were washing up gently and I stood perfectly still, waiting for the water to touch my feet. I began to talk to the water, telling it that it was welcome to wash over my feet but I was not going to chase it; the water had to come to me. Before long, I felt the cold bay water lapping at my toes and I smiled in relief. It was in that moment that I knew my person would be coming to me. I stopped feeling so angry and worried. I found my way back to my center and I remembered to believe in love.
I started walking along the shore again and I told Creator that I want a story with someone. I want to meet him and fall in love and I want to tell that story to our babies, and our grand-babies. I want partnership, and I want to be married. I want us to chase our love passionately and when we catch it, I want us to chase more love. I want to feel that intense, burning, YES YOU'RE THE ONE kind of feeling. I'm ready, and when I'm ready, I need action to happen immediately. I'm never one who eases into a decision; when I know, I just know. It's like when one decides to quit smoking or to go back to church or make a big move and she knows she has to do it NOW. I'm ready to be in love and be loved. I'm not lonely or desperate and I don't feel like I'm drowning. I am simply ready for my person.
I realize that I've been talking about my person for a long time now, but I always felt like I was just waiting on someone and if it happened, that was fine, but it was no big deal either way. Now, I am sure and positive and ready. I am ready for my person.
I had to learn to be single because I felt empty and alone and my bad choices were killing my spirit. I not only learned how to be single but I love it and even learned to sleep in the middle of the bed. I have had amazing experiences and have learned so much about myself, but now I want to share my life with someone. I want to have lazy Sundays and go shopping for groceries together. I want to have a busy day at work and not have time to see each other but steal a few moments to say goodnight over the phone. I want to know that if I go away, I'll be missed and when I return, I'll be celebrated. I want to do the same for him. I am ready to share a bed... and a life.
I told Creator that I want a good man and just as I began to describe what that good man should look like, act like and be like, I stopped.
You already know what I mean by good, I said, can you just send him already?
The morning of the Sunrise Ceremony, a Yaqui elder told us to make our love wishes on the morning star. Lead me to the one I wait for, I wished, the one who waits for me. For a long time now, I have said that my person is out there, going through his process to get to me. I find a lot of joy in knowing that there is someone out there who is waiting to meet his person and his person is me. Maybe we've already met and we're getting there. Maybe we've passed each other a million times and we've never noticed each other or spoken. Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, I know he's out there.
I am happily impatient. I am waiting for the water to lap at my toes and to share the love that is overflowing in my heart. I am waiting for my person.
To be continued...
Next time: Goodbye, Peter Baca