Recently, I was asked this question: "if you were alone for the rest of your life, would you be okay?" I quickly responded "yes" without hesitation, because I believe I would be. Ideally, I would like to have a partner and possibly a family of my own, but if it didn't happen, I would not be devastated. I would be more than okay - I would be fulfilled and happy.
If someone asked me that question a year ago, I don't think I would have even answered because the thought of being alone for the rest of my life terrified me. I was so afraid of accepting my alone status because if I accepted it, then I would be alone. Forever.
The alternative to acceptance, however, wasn't working either. I began writing this blog on October 10, 2010 a week after I stopped speaking to Freddy. In an effort to ease my heartache, I hooked up with someone I didn't even like and instead of the pain being numbed, I just felt worse. I knew that something had to give and I declared my strike. For those of you who have been following along, you know that my early blogs were simply anecdotes of bad dates. As I began to dig deeper, I began to write about issues from my body to fear to past hurts and I began learning a lot about myself - writing helped me un-lock so many secrets about myself.
It wasn't just writing, however, it was sharing. You, dear reader, graciously read my blog and made me feel less alone. You shared your stories. You laughed with me, cried with me and shook your head at the silly dates I went on. Knowing that my words weren't lost in some great void gave me purpose to write. When I met someone and got into a relationship, you stayed right there with me and when I was dumped, you rallied around me. You held me accountable to be better.
In all honesty, I didn't start writing this blog with the intent of finding myself. After entertaining friends with my stories of bad dates, they encouraged me to start writing about them. I figured I would gain some insight but I never expected to grow the way I have. I didn't expect to open so much of myself and I never expected to learn the lessons I have learned. There have been times in the last year, especially around the holidays, that being single was so painful. There were times when the strike felt pointless and the loneliness consumed me. Recently, I realized that most of my life has been built around finding, catching and keeping a man. When I stopped looking and used all that energy on myself, I realized that I have wasted so much time worrying about finding a man that I lost myself. Every time a relationship didn't work out, I was so hell bent on finding the next one that I never took the time to heal or learn from the last one.
There is something to be said for healing and going through pain. Something I've never mentioned on this blog is the fact that I have been in therapy for the last two years. I began going to therapy in November 2009, and when I began writing this blog, I began opening up in therapy and really taking my healing seriously. One day, about two months after Freddy and I stopped speaking, I was sitting on my therapist's couch, head back, tears rolling out of my eyes. I felt completely defeated and told my therapist that I felt like telling the Universe "fine, you win." Stifling a laugh (I was a pretty funny sight), my therapist informed me that for the first time, I was feeling pain. I was letting myself get over someone. I snapped my head up and stopped crying. If what I was feeling was pain and not complete and utter despair, then I knew I was going to eventually feel better - and I did.
When A. dumped me, I was devastated that I had, once again, been handed a raw deal in love. Luckily, I already knew what I had to do to get through the pain and the healing process was much easier than I had expected. I can safely say that I am back to the good place I was in before I met him. I am over the break-up and the relationship. I am open again to the possibility of love but more than that, I am open to living my life and being a whole and complete person.
Really, that's what this journey has taught me. I didn't want to reach the milestone of a year of writing this blog. I didn't want to be single for a year and I thought once I figured myself out, then Peter Baca was going to come and whisk me away. Here we are, a year later, and I'm single, but I'm not afraid either. If, by chance, I stay single then so be it. My life is full and I am happy. Believe it or not, Freddy and I are what we should have always been - friends. I am happy he is back in my life and I am so glad I know him because had I not known him, I would have never been heartbroken over him and I may not have made major changes in my life. It's great to be friends with him again (and yes, he reads this blog).
The blog will continue on because I have so much more learning to do and so many more stories to explore. A year has passed and I'm alone, happy and free from the demons that chased me my whole life. While I am not in the place I expected I would be, I am so glad to be here, and I'm glad you're here as well. Happy Anniversary, dear reader...
Next time: A Perfect Fit