The San Francisco Treat... Or, How Andrea Got Her Cumbia Back

Author's note: This week's Blog was supposed to be "A Different Kind of Birther" but I changed my mind.  
 
Last week I was in San Francisco for a poetry reading and writing workshop.  I was hopeful that the trip would be a good one, but I never expected it to be as good as it was.  I traveled by myself to the the beautiful Bay area, and while I was meeting friends there (we were doing the reading together), I knew I was going to be on my own a lot.  "No problem," I thought, "I'll go out and explore!"   This has happened before - I travel to a large city, end up with a lot of time on my own and all these fantasies of going out and exploring a new place, perhaps meeting a handsome local and then exploring the city together.   This fantasy somehow also involves me wearing a hat (I don't really wear hats) and I'm usually very happy and confident walking the streets (think: the opening sequence to the Mary Tyler Moore Show).  The ugly truth is this: I don't do well on my own. 

Times when I've traveled on my own, I have found myself feeling completely isolated and lonely.  I set out full of hope and excitement and find myself very quickly feeling alone and well, sad.  I end up exploring for just a short while then I find a cafe where I sit and send text messages to people back home - and when I say people, I mean guys that I'm dating (but usually don't really like, but when I'm traveling, all of a sudden he's wonderful).

That was before the Strike. 

Funny thing, this strike.  It has unlocked all sorts of lessons and healing for me - and has helped me change behaviors I didn't even realize I was engaging in.  I've written about several of these (hooking up with guys I don't really like, thinking less of myself, settling for less than I deserve, etc.) but new ones come up all the time.  Spending eight months without dating (although I "ended" the Strike, I still haven't really begun dating) and doing so with the intent of learning about myself has taught me one really awesome lesson: I am GREAT on my own.

I know, I've written about the benefits of being single before, and I still stick by them, but I've now learned that not only can I travel alone, I can go out and explore an entire city by myself - and like love it!  I loved everything about the Bay area - the food was amazing, the city is beautiful, there are so many things to see, and I met some really awesome people.  I never felt the urge to send a text, reach out or call anyone (except my mom).  I spent a considerable amount of time in Berkeley as well as the Mission District.  I also got to spend time with my friends (M. and I explored as many murals as we could in the Mission) and while that was wonderful, so was the time I spent on my own. 

Mural, Balmy Alley, Mission District

I've written before that because of the Strike, I've been completely closed off and existed behind walls.  Building the walls was a necessity, but there is a fine line between getting over heartbreak and being closed off forever.  I had no desire to meet anyone; nothing felt new; I didn't feel friendly or attractive, and I had no interest in dating.  I wrote several blogs back about tearing down my walls, but as is the case with me, I never do anything easily, and tearing down my walls was proving to be much harder than I thought it would be.

I tried giving myself pep talks - telling myself that I was ready and happy and strong, and I am, but I still felt guarded and lonely.  I tried reaching out, smiling more, talking about it and really, nothing felt right.  I was beginning to accept the fact that my new reality existed of being alone, and that was just going to have to be okay.

Then I went to the Bay.

I felt so happy there, and even when I felt like I was in a slump (M. was there, and she gave me a very simple pep talk - "it's okay to feel this way," she said) I still felt free and unguarded.  At the writing workshop and poetry reading, I got to meet so many wonderful people and I got the chance to reconnect with old friends, but more importantly, I found myself smiling again.  I found myself opening up and coming back to life.  I felt happy and carefree and alive.  I allowed myself to be open and because of it, I came home feeling open, free from my walls.

I'm heading back to the Bay in two weeks for my friend D.'s wedding and I look forward to seeing some of the people I met, exploring more parts of the city and best of all, getting reacquainted with myself.

To be continued...


Next time: A Different Kind of Birther (for real, this time)