When we last left our heroine, she was chartering the waters of post-break-up-zero-pressure-dating-with-the-guy-she-was-dating-before...
Sometimes the idea of someone or something is much better than reality. For example, I like the idea of having a baby, but the reality is a baby is something I'm not ready for. I like the idea of a puppy but the reality is that I'm allergic to dogs. I like the idea of the Godfather Part Three but the reality is that it's a shitty movie.
So is the case with Randy and I dating again after we had already broken up. The idea of "zero pressure" dating is a good one, but the reality is this: after there's a history (and a heartbreak), it's hard to go back to that place that made me smile without reason - it's hard to be casual once you've cried with someone. We tried but things weren't the same. We didn't speak that often and we saw each other every few weeks (if that). The distance between us was vast and even when we were lying together in bed, we weren't close. We tried this kind of "dating" for a little bit and then it fizzled out. We both admitted it wasn't the same and while there never an official second "break-up," we just stopped seeing each other.
We didn't completely sever ties, however. Once every so often, I would send Randy an email because I missed him (or I was feeling lonely or had gone on a really bad date). I never said all the things I was feeling - I just usually said hello and asked how he was doing - safe topics that wouldn't scare him off. Sometimes he responded, sometimes he didn't. Eventually I stopped emailing him when I was feeling down, but once in a while I still reach out, or he'll send me an email. Our messages are basic - we never say much and they almost feel like form letters. They are very polite and friendly emails but there is just one pesky problem:
We aren't friends.
Randy and I didn't remain friends after we stopped seeing each other. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate him and I'm pretty sure he doesn't hate me, it's just we aren't in each others lives enough for me to consider him a friend. I don't feel like I can call him up just to chat and we don't stay current on each others lives. He isn't the first, fifth or even fifteenth person I think of when I have important news to share. No, Randy and I are acquaintances at best and at worst, two people who dated, liked each other and just didn't make it.
Interestingly enough, Randy emailed me a few weeks ago, on the same day I wrote last week's blog - it's like he felt me thinking and writing about him. He wrote the same "hello, how are you, what's new?" email but this time, I replied with the truth: I told him I still thought about him and wondered how things could have been had our timing been different. I also gave him the link to my blog. He replied, saying he wondered as well and that he was looking forward to reading the blog. I haven't heard a reaction from him yet and it doesn't really matter whether I do or not. I spoke my truth and really, that's all I needed to do all along. I didn't ask him to give us another shot, nor did I pledge my un-dying love for him. I simply told him the truth, and if he can't deal with my truth, that's alright - it's still MY truth.
As I said in part one - I meet every person for a reason, and there is always a lesson to be learned. The lesson this time: sometimes relationships don't work out, no matter how badly we want them to. I call Randy the one that got away because we never go the chance to grow, but I'm no longer stuck on stupid - he just wasn't my person. Accepting this fact has been the biggest part of getting over Randy. My good friend M. assures me that I'll get to a point where I won't wonder "what if?" anymore. I know she's right, it's just a matter of letting myself get there - which means completely letting go of the questions, the idea and most importantly, of him.
Next time: Damaged Goods