Monday, January 31, 2011

Andrea's How-To Guide... Or, Busted!

I'm usually attracted to two types of men: the socially awkward and the charmers.  The socially awkward ones are exactly what they sound like - shy, nerdy, really nice, and non-aggressive.  Eventually something doesn't work out with them and I move on.  No harm, no mess, no foul.  On the other end of the spectrum are the charmers - the ones who say all the right things, know exactly how to make me laugh, turn me on, and challenge me enough to keep me on my toes.  These are the ones who get to me every time and when it doesn't work out, it usually ends dramatically because the whole thing was built on passion and flying by the seat of my pants.  The problem with the charmer is that I'm usually not the only one in his life. 

I'm not just talking about the charmer, I am talking about the cheater.  

There are a lot of reasons why people cheat - because they can, because of loneliness, because of insecurities, because they are un-happy and to be quite honest, I've done my dirt and made my mistakes.  I also know what it feels like to be cheated on, and it's a shitty, hurtful feeling, but so is the feeling of being the other woman. 

There are two kinds of cheaters.  There are the kind who are open and honest about the fact that they have a significant other and are looking for something on the side.  They're no better, but at least they're honest and the other person gets to make a choice as to whether or not to participate.  Then there are the other ones.  The ones who cheat and try not to get caught by either woman.  They usually get caught because, well, they're not real bright. 

I've had a few gems in this department.  There was the guy I met at the gas station who would call or text me at odd hours of the day and night - then I found out that not only did he have a girlfriend, but she was VERY PREGNANT.  I guess that he wanted someone to hang out with while his girlfriend was indisposed.  

There was the one who told me he was living with his cousin and she didn't like for people to go over to the house, so we would meet up at restaurants or bars.  Surprise surprise, turns out it was his WIFE who didn't like for other women to go over to their house.  Hmm, wonder why not?

The front-runner for the Asshole Award goes to a guy I met who played himself off as a single father raising two small children by himself - he made it sound like his ex-wife just up and left him and the kids.  Because he was a single father, he couldn't go out very often and a lot of our dates were comprised of lunch dates.  His story was pretty convincing until I saw him -and his wife- out at a restaurant and they were very much married and, you guessed it!  She was very much pregnant. 

I used to think there was something wrong with me, that I somehow only attracted men who are low-down dirty dog cheaters.  I realize that the reality is, there are just a lot of them doing it.   Being that I've been involved with a lot of them, I started noticing there are patterns of behavior that most cheaters follow.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  This is NOT a scientific, research-based blog.  These are merely observations made by a single woman who has dated way more than she should have.  Here is my How To Spot A Cheater Guide:

He Probably Has A Girlfriend or a Wife If...
  • He sends you text messages and then takes a long time to reply after you send a message back
  • He never makes plans with you in advance, cancels plans all the time or asks if you two can just hang out at home (your home, of course) 
  • He only calls you when he's either driving to work, at work or driving home from work.  He hangs up before he goes inside his house, promising to call you back and only calling back when he's driving to the store, to a buddy's house, etc.
  • You don't meet his friends or family after a considerable amount of time 
  • He tells  you that he's going through a bad break-up, or that he's gone through a bad break-up, and his ex is "crazy."  For example: "If my ex ever calls you and says we're together, don't believe her because she's crazy.  Oh, how would she get your number?  Uh... she still goes through my phone bill, I haven't changed my plan... Uh... look, butterflies!"
Once they're caught, it's always the same story - "she doesn't pay attention to me" or "we fight all the time" or "she doesn't understand me."   Anyone who has been in a serious relationship knows that there are hard times, fights and arguments.  When one cheats, then he or she has a few hours of not arguing about the gas bill, or the phone bill, or the kids, the dog, the leaves clogging the gutter and what to eat for dinner.  It's a few hours of living in fantasy land with the other person - someone who is fun and cool and easy to talk to.  Even if it's just emotional and not physical, it's still a nice break from, well, real life.  Problem is, after a while, it isn't enough to be the one he runs to when real life is hard. 

I've had more than one say "can't we just be friends?  Nothing wrong with having friends!"  Here's the thing - if it's going to be a secret friendship, meaning his girl doesn't know about me, then no, it isn't a friendship.  It isn't worth it to be the secret, it isn't a good feeling to be on the back-burner.  Besides, I have enough friends - friends who aren't afraid to be seen with me in public. 

One of my favorite songs is Sunday Kind of Love by Etta James, and ultimately, that's what I want from a relationship - I want to be the one he comes home to, the one who gets to be with him on birthdays and holidays and all the regular days in-between.  I don't want to share, nor do I want to be anyone's "other life."  Hell, I'll even take arguing about the gas bill over being someone's secret. I'd rather be single than be on the side.

My days of being charmed are numbered, as are my days with the socially awkward.  I think it's time to find the right balance of nerdy and charming... and single. 

Next time: Goin' to the Chapel


    1. Wow this sounds like the story of my life. I for one am attracted to the nerdy/socially awkward types as well as the charmer/cheater type. I find myself wondering when will I find the right guy.

      Keep up the great work. I really enjoyed this.

      : )

    2. I used to like the exact same kinds of guys and I went through very similar struggles as you have. My favorite crazy date story was going over to a guy's apt. who lived with his "ex" girlfriend and when she unexpectedly came home he asked me to hide in the closet! My friends still call him "closet guy". Then one day I met My guy (yes, when I wasn't looking for him) and everything changed. He's a physicist (nerdy enough for me!) but he had the confidence to point blank ask me on a date - no sketchiness, no beating around the bush. The good news is finding someone sane and secure changes you to point where you'll barely remember you ever had commitment issues before them.

    3. I like u ,and your Blog ,Its give me huge support ,matching my case> mimi from Kuwai.

    4. That sounds word for word like my bf J.. Oddly enough..i fnd a txt on his phone that said "good morning lover" n it was from an Andrea...

      He tells you that he's going through a bad break-up, or that he's gone through a bad break-up, and his ex is "crazy." For example: "If my ex ever calls you and says we're together, don't believe her because she's crazy. Oh, how would she get your number? Uh... she still goes through my phone bill, I haven't changed my plan... Uh... look, butterflies!"



    5. @ JayBee - it's funny when you hear someone else say it, isn't it? Makes you feel less crazy and alone... and trust, it's him, not you. You are not the problem!